Warning: NSFW. This week we’re focusing on getting out of a sex rut, rethinking how to find pleasure, products to get you in the mood, and more. And if you’re a parent who needs tips for your sex life, sign up for the Skimm Parenting newsletter — and check your inbox tomorrow night.
Sex Ruts — and How to Get Out of Them
The obstacles between us and good sex seem endless: Younger people are having less of it. The pleasure gap is alive and unwell. Long-term relationships inevitably come with a drop in sexual desire. Throw in kids, stress, and busy schedules, and “sex is sometimes the first thing to be sacrificed,” says licensed sexologist Melissa Portan. But bad or lack of sex can take a toll on your well-being.
Tell me more.
Orgasms release happy hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins — some of which can help reduce feelings of anxiety and depression, improve sleep, and alleviate pain. Other research says that sex may help boost your immune system, protect women’s heart health, and help you live longer.
There’s also the fact that sex is “connected to a person’s sense of self, identity, and thereby confidence,” says Portan. But mediocre sex is a burden that typically falls on women, and, as we all know, female pleasure itself has often been “denied, ignored, and even vilified,” she says. Let’s change that, shall we?
Your move
There's no one-size-fits-all solution, but we've got some ideas to help you feel excited about sex again. If…
You want more orgasms: Embrace accessories — as in toys, erotic literature, audio porn, or your hands. With a partner, try something licensed psychotherapist and sex therapist Vanessa Marin calls the “eye exam” technique, where you explore two different ways to pleasure (for example: more pressure or less pressure; touch here or lick there) and compare them.
Your monogamous sex life feels boring: Take a sex class. Couples who learn new skills “have a much more satisfying, active sex life,” says Elisabeth Sheff, PhD, sex educator and author of “The Polyamorists Next Door.” A sex coach or therapist may be able to point you in the direction of a workshop.
You want more sex: Find a community. It can “satisfy certain needs that aren't being met,” says Portan. Whether that’s exploring a kink or finding like-minded people (such as those with the same sexual orientation).
Read more about how to level up your sex life.
Is it bad if I don’t enjoy masturbating?
FEATURED EXPERT:
Maggie Oldham
“No. People simply vary. And [preferences] change across the lifespan. So if you like masturbating at some point in your life and then later on don't, that's normal. If you don't like masturbating and then later on you do, that also is normal.
“You are under no obligation to masturbate … There is no, ‘This is self-care, therefore you should do it.’ There's just an enormous array of things that we could categorize as self-care, and you do the things that you have access to that work for you.”
Read our full interview with Nagoski here. And for expert advice on how to approach sex when you’re feeling “touched out,” subscribe to our Parenting newsletter.
A rub, er, rundown of the sexiest headlines.
In a straight world, queer sex often gets skipped over in the “sex talk.” This writer had to figure it out on her own.
Sex is back on the big screen — and it’s more real than ever. Real for Hollywood, at least.
According to one porn site, this fetish will loom large in 2024. If that’s surprising, you might want to study up. Just know that being vanilla is valid, too…
…Because good sex doesn't need to be complicated. Cue: old-fashioned phone sex and DIY sex toys.
On the other hand, some people are going “boysober.” Guess we're not done with Dry January yet.
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We’re sharing some products that can make your sex life more pleasurable.
For when you want some instant self-gratification…
Slip this on and light this massage candle to set the mood. Add in this small but powerful detail, and you’ll be all set. Turns out size really doesn't matter.
PS: Want more recs like these? Our Parenting newsletter has you covered in tomorrow’s edition. Subscribe so you don’t miss out.
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