Feeling all the feels

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Last week, we asked you to vote on a question to answer. The winner was:

What’s the best way to handle a toddler meltdown?

FEATURED EXPERT:

Big Little Feelings

Licensed marriage and family therapist Deena Margolin and parenting coach Kristin Gallant, founders of Big Little Feelings and hosts of the new “After Bedtime” podcast

“Your toddler's tantrums are actually a sign of healthy brain development. So next time you feel guilty or embarrassed about your toddler's tantrum, don’t! Instead, remember that it's a healthy milestone, and you and your toddler are doing just fine. 

“The way we respond mid-tantrum can either level them up, or help bring them down. Assuming you're in favor of the latter, here's our mid-tantrum game plan and script.”

OK the feeling — “We know it's hard, but in the moment of a tantrum, the best thing you can do is stay calm. When we escalate alongside our toddler, or if we try to reason or negotiate with them, we're only going to make it worse. Instead, step into your role as the cool, calm warrior parent you are, acknowledge and ‘OK’ your toddler's feelings, and then let your calm be contagious. ‘I hear you're feeling sad that iPad time is over. It's OK to feel sad.’”

Hold the boundary — “Toddlers might seem like they want control, but they actually feel safest when things are consistent, predictable, and they can trust that an adult is taking care of the ‘big stuff.’ When they feel safe, they feel calm — and that helps bring down an active tantrum and prevent future tantrums. ‘Time to say ‘bye-bye, iPad.’ We'll have more iPad time tomorrow.’” 

Shift to the ‘yes’ — “Toddlers hear ‘no’ all day long. Shifting to the ‘yes’ takes the focus off the boundary and gives your child age-appropriate power. ‘We're going outside now. Do you want to play with bubbles or go down the slide first? You choose.’"

It’s Totally OK to Get In Your Feels In Front of Your Kids

“I think, naturally, as parents, we want to shield our kids from emotional reality. But what we should do is share whatever emotions we feel appropriately so they can process it,” says Reena B. Patel, a behavioral psychologist with a background in early childhood education and development. Her tips: 

• Identify the feeling: It can be as simple as saying, “Mommy feels sad right now.” Books can help your child recognize different emotions they may feel (good and bad). Here are some recs. 

• Explain and validate: Let them know why you’re feeling the way you are without getting into the details, especially if it’s something they won’t understand. 

• Reassure them: “It's very natural for kids to hug you or cry themselves if they see that you're crying or something’s off, says Patel. Let them know that they're safe and things will be OK.

• Mirror healthy coping skills: Once you identify the emotion, talk about things that make you feel better. That could mean asking for a hug, going for a walk, listening to music, or drawing. Make it a team effort — involve your kid in the activity.  

• Check in with yourself: If you’re going through a big emotion, and it’s possible to step away, it may be best to give yourself some space to process the feelings before you share them with your child.

FEATURED EXPERT:

Reena B. Patel

Behavioral psychologist with a background in early childhood education and development

'Ask & Learn’ From Lovevery Experts

You’re probably familiar with the Montessori-inspired Lovevery Play Kits, which are designed by experts to support your kid’s brain development at each stage. But you may not know that as a Play Kit subscriber, you get access to the “Ask & Learn” feature on the Lovevery App.

Parents of kids 0–24 months can submit questions about feedings, language development, motor skills, sleep, and more to experts, including a pediatric occupational therapist and a developmental cognitive neuroscientist. There’s no limit to how many questions you can ask, and experts usually get back to you within a couple of days.

Parenting writer Claudia Rupcich is a subscriber and has been using this feature since her son was born two years ago. She’s gotten helpful advice on nap schedules, starting solids, and introducing a second language. She loves that she can see what other parents are asking, too, so you get access to dozens of expert answers.